Waking Dream
by Blah.Blah.Crunch
Summary: Bella and Edward are no more. Edward has fled civilisation, retreating into solitude. But even in the deepest parts of the world, he cannot escape his regret. Now, he has to face it, like never before.
1. Reflection

Most people believe you have to be asleep to dream. Of course, you can distance yourself during waking hours; lose yourself to a thought, an idea. Close your eyes to people, to your surroundings, to the world.

There are daydreams certainly; the lightest of hallucinations. Trips to our subconscious sparked by the smallest of things. A colour, a taste, a smell, can all send a person down a road to the most fantastical of places. A place where you revel in fantasy and idealism. But a daydream does not stand against – cannot even compare to – the utter relaxation or terror of an unbridled imagination. In sleep, devoid of distraction and control, your greatest wish becomes ecstasy personified. Unable to suppress worries, your worst fear manifests itself before you and invites you to look into its eyes.

To dream; the greatest capacity of human life. Not something for me, someone like me. Or so I had always believed.

#

I sat up in the long grass, holding myself on my elbow. It wasn't the same. Looking around the circular meadow, everything seemed a poor imitation of what had been. The grass yellowed in the sun, which itself felt too bright, too close. The surrounding trees were gnarled and twisted, their spindly arms and fingers pointing accusingly at me. I shook my head to myself. It was a sorry attempt to feel the closeness I craved. Trying to replicate something which was unique, a feeling which had I'd found once in a century; a desperate plan.

The moment I left I wanted nothing more than to go running back. How selfish. Everything that had happened, all the trouble caused; I couldn't let it repeat itself. But maybe if I just saw her, just see that she still even existed!

No! I pushed the thought deep to the back of my mind. She wouldn't go through that again, no matter my own pain. The pain. A pain like I had never felt, a thirst I had never experienced.

I thought back to the first days and weeks spent fighting it. I tried had to smother the flames which lapped at the edge of every thought but they burnt relentlessly. No solace was found in renewed studies, they seemed such a worthless pursuit. Eventually, my resolve gave way and I let myself be consumed by sorrow. It was something of a relief to finally give in. The experience had brought me as close to tired as I had ever felt. A fatigued vampire. A laugh escaped my lips at the thought but it felt wrong, hollow.

Enough of this I thought, rising to my feet. I had to get away from here. The plan to sooth my pain had sorely backfired. All I had succeeded in doing was rubbing salt in the wound. With the slightest of effort I broke the tree line, starting slowly I let myself build up speed gradually so as to appreciate the movement fully. Soon I tore through the trees, pushing myself to the limit, harder and harder. Closing my eyes, the smells of the forest guided me. The smells became colours as they rushed past, blurring and smudged on the canvas of my mind's eye. I raced faster, willing my body to break, for my consciousness to move free of this vessel. Without form, my ethereal being couldn't hurt her. I would have been able to observe, to be close without fear of putting her in danger. Wishful thinking at best, but I didn't push the thought away like before. Instead I let it develop and surpass everything else, forgetting myself. I thought of looking into her deep brown eyes again, of tracing my fingers over the soft skin of her cheek. I thought of holding her hand to my own skin and feeling her warmth spread through me. My mind meandered through a thousand different scenarios, each one more detailed than the last. A break in my train of thought allowed me to regain my senses for a moment.

Something had changed. I no longer smelt leaves and bark around me, instead the air was clear and fresh. Opening my eyes for the first time in miles, the edge of the forest was fast approaching. Light was seeping through the trees ahead of me, pulsing and blooming as my eyes refocused on the distance. Stepping up the pace which I had let slip some dozen miles back, the light hurdled towards me. I felt drawn to it, compelled to enter that great white room and never look back. Regret was creeping back into my mind.

Putting my head down, I pushed forward. My arms pumped furiously at my sides, my legs stretching further with each stride, trying to outrun the pain working its way back into my head. Even now, my movement was but a whisper of wind among the branches. I lost all sense of caution and restraint. I made for a direct route. Around me, trunks splintered and hung in the air, falling to the ground for no visible reason. My senses sharpened in response to the increased vigour with which I moved. I could sense a flurry of activity in the wildlife, scattering from an unseen predator. I could taste every creature in the air around me; hear twigs snapping three miles away. But none of that concerned me now. I had my destination and nothing would move me from it.

I clenched my jaw, my teeth snapping together. With a final burst of speed I crashed through the trees into the clearing. My eyes took a split second to readjust to the sudden light. I could still hear the cracking of the trees behind me. I didn't look back - partly for fear of the damage I had caused but mostly because the sight before me was utterly astounding.

I stood alone in a circular clearing, not unlike the one we had visited back home. But instead of green grass, the centre here was occupied by a pool of the clearest water I had ever seen. Around the edges of the water, reeds and wild flowers swayed gently, disturbed by my abrupt entrance. Here, the sun broke through the canopy in streaks, bouncing off the water and sending light in every direction. I stepped closer to the water, moving slowly so as not to disturb the peace. The surface was so still it looked machined, something manmade surrounded by the beauty of nature.

As I got closer I leant forward with each step to the point where I was crawling to the water's edge. Pausing for a moment I looked out over the water, appreciating the air of relaxation it brought. Slowly, I tilted my head down over the mirror before me.

If my heart still beat, it would have leap through my chest, for what was before me was not a reflection of my face but that of another. Someone I hadn't believed I'd ever see again.

Bella Swan.


	2. Determination

The taste of her skin lingered on my lips as fled back through the woods. Tears would have streaked my face had it been possible. Had I done the right thing? It had been too easy, the lie too convincing. Perhaps she had never held me in her heart as I held her in mine.

I tried to empty my mind and focus on running, for fear of turning back. It had been torturous deciding on this course of action; looking into those eyes each day, thinking of the pain it would bring both of us. I didn't need to hear her thoughts to know she knew something was wrong. A dozen times I changed my mind before setting it in stone, considering every option and every possible consequence. This was the right thing I told myself. I would not turn back. I would not be a source of pain for Bella any longer. For too long I had been selfish in my need for her company. I chose my words carefully; a clean break. All I could hope now was that she would heed my advice – forget me and take care of herself. Though to think that she owed me anything at this point was arrogant indeed.

Skimming through the underbrush it came to me that I wasn't moving towards any particular destination. I was simply running in one direction to keep from going in the other. Covering ground at the rate I was I would soon hit the Canadian border. Reining in my speed I considered my options for a moment. Contrary to what I had told Bella, my family had not yet left Forks. My indecision had caused Alice much frustration and thus they saw fit to stay till everything was final. They did however plan to head north to Alaska to stay with the Denali coven, if everything when to plan.

It was tempting to see my northern cousins again – it had been over a year since my last visit, under similarly agonising circumstances. They had been such a help then, perhaps they would be once more. However, there was of course Tanya to consider. On my last visit, she had been unaware of the exact nature of my problem. Now though, word had obviously spread that I was involved – had been involved - with a human. Given our past, I didn't think I could handle such ridicule. Clearly my head of the past I focused on now. A definite decision could come later. For now I would simply return to my family and say farewell to the home which now held so many happy (and one sickening) memories.

Though I was far off track it was still easy for me to navigate my way back towards my home. Where human eyes would see a jumble of trees with few discernible features, my eyes caught landmarks marking the way. Where a human nose would merely smell the wet moss and leaves, mine sensed familiar scents marking a well travelled trail. Human trackers often use disturbances in branches and animal tracks to find their target. To me, each plant had a fingerprint.

Suddenly a thought came front and centre in my mind. I stumbled for just a moment before coming to a stop. Something I hadn't considered in the moment. I had left Bella alone, upset and confused and in the forest of all places. I fought with every fibre of my being to not rip through the woodland towards her. Surely she would not try to follow me? Surely she knew it was futile? This place was a maze for anyone without such keen senses. Spruce and cedar sheered under my fury as I lashed out. I couldn't go back. Not now.

Gritting my teeth till they cracked, I managed to step forward. Every ounce of my being told me it was wrong. I thought back to the night of the party for just a moment, needing something to remind me of why I was doing this. The look in Jasper's eyes, the colour of Bella's blood against her pale, fragile skin. We could not be around her.

Renewed purpose fuelled my stride as I once again made my way through the dense green. No longer did I think of where I would go next or what I would do. Instead my body was entirely set on getting away from Bella, from this place. Anywhere was better than here. I could not take this any longer.

My home was several miles from where I set off and I didn't appreciate the time to think. Letting my head clear, my senses threw themselves to the distance. Not expecting much of interest, I pushed harder at my limits. Elk, marmot, bear, more elk. Then something different. Something familiar but not recent. And certainly not pleasant. I strayed from my route a little, relieved to have something to concentrate on. Following the scent as it weaved through the massive trunks of the forest I wracked my brain as to how I knew it. The trail curved ever so slightly as I ran, as if marking a border. A patrol? I checked my surroundings careful, then checked again. The unseen line, never crossed, never tested.

No...

Realisation was crashing upon me. Not now, why now?


End file.
